In this voice message, I discuss the concept of apology languages, developed by Gary Chapman—the creator of the Five Love Languages—and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. If you’ve ever felt dissatisfied with someone’s apology or had someone feel dissatisfied with yours, this is the episode for you! Be sure to check the resources below to help you figure out your foundation-level apology languages.
If you missed the first one and want a full explanation, have a listen. The tl;dr is that this is a more polished and prepared version of the voice messages I send my friends. I have no fixed length in mind—each one will be the minimum length necessary for me to make my point (without my signature babbling).
I’d love to know your thoughts on this audio transmission! Feel free to leave a comment, or email me at elusivekrystyna@gmail.com.
P.S. By request, I’ve added a transcript of this voice message below the resources section. Let me know if you appreciate it!
Resources:
5 Types Of Apology Languages & How To Choose The Right One
What to Say When Sorry Isn’t Enough
Welcome to another episode of Thinking Out Loud. This is the podcast-length voice message I would send you if we were friends.
I've had the website mindbodygreen in my feed reader for a few years now. I don't actually read a lot of their articles, but I like to skim through and find interesting concepts to investigate further and toss around in my brain.
About three years ago, they published an article about apology languages. Many of you will have heard of the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical affection, and gifts. Well, this apology languages framework was actually developed by the same person: Gary Chapman, along with psychologist Jennifer Thomas.
Like the love languages framework, the apology languages framework is built on the idea that there are different elements to an apology, and people differ in their needs for those elements. Some may really only need one. Some may need a combination. This may change throughout life or based on the person you're dealing with or based on the severity of the wrong that's been done.
I've thought a lot about apologies because I've had so many deep relationships of various kinds—platonic, romantic, familial, etc. And whenever you have a relationship with someone, there is the potential for either of you to hurt the other. Sometimes those hurts are minor; sometimes they're major. Sometimes just one hurtful action can destroy a relationship, even a relationship that's persisted for a long time. For example, finding out your spouse is cheating on you with your best friend. But at the same time, a long string of more minor hurtful actions can also destroy a relationship. Especially if that person doesn't apologize, or doesn't do so in a way that matches your apology language.
So, before I go any further, what are the five apology languages?
They are: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, repentance (also known as planned change), and requesting forgiveness.
I'll be going over all these apology languages in this episode, but I'll also link the mindbodygreen article where I discovered the concept in the show notes, along with the official quiz from the Five Love Languages website. The quiz is a bit tedious, but it doesn't ask for an email address, like a lot of other online quizzes. But you can email the results to yourself if you want to. I just took the quiz recently, and my results lined up pretty well with the apology languages that I resonated with when I read the mindbodygreen article three years ago.
But, we'll get back to my results in a bit.
First, the languages!
I'll be either quoting or paraphrasing from the mindbodygreen article or from text from official resources from the creators of this framework.
1. Expressing regret
At its simplest, this just means saying, "I'm sorry." This seems obvious, but you'd be surprised at the number of people that skip this step, whether because of their ego or because they feel it should just be assumed or understood. And some people don't really need this. It's not their primary apology language, and it may not even mean anything to them in a lot of instances. But a lot of people do really need to hear this. And those people who really do need to hear this may be thinking, "What do you mean some people don't need to hear the other person say 'I'm sorry.' What's wrong with them?"
This apology language is really about expressing regret at having hurt the other person. This doesn't involve making excuses or trying to deflect blame. This is about admitting your guilt in having hurt the other person and often the shame you might feel for having done so. If the person you're dealing with expects an apology to have this element, be sure to show remorse. I think it's difficult to incorporate this element in a written apology. Sincerity is best transmitted with eye contact, body language, and tone of voice. At minimum, there should be voice involved, whether in a voice note or phone call, but a visual element helps as well. So, if in-person is out of the question, that means a video call. Try listing the hurtful effects of your action so that the person believes your sincerity. Saying sorry doesn't count if you're only sorry you got caught or you're only sorry that you're having to deal with the other person's emotions.
2. Accepting responsibility
In simplest terms, this means saying, "I am wrong" or "I was wrong." If you don't admit that you made a mistake, then you're not speaking this apology language. If this is the primary apology language of the person you're dealing with, unless you admit fault, your apology isn't worth hearing. You need to name your mistake. You should be able to explain what you did wrong and why it was wrong. This one can be tricky for some people because their ego gets in the way. They may be able to say "I'm sorry," even "I'm sorry I hurt you," but their ego won't let them admit they made a mistake. Or sometimes they're sorry they hurt the other person but genuinely don't think they did anything wrong.
3. Making restitution
Restitution isn't a word that's in everyone's vocabulary, so a quick definition. From a legal standpoint, when the court orders someone to pay restitution, they're ordering them to pay back the damage they caused. In a general sense, it can mean restoration of something to its original state. If someone's apology language is restitution, they are expecting to you actually *right* your wrong. And depending on the nature of the wrong, it may be just like in court--you may need to cough up some cash to replace property you lost or damaged. But it could also mean attending to the wronged person's love language--so it could mean giving gifts, or spending quality time together, doing things for them, etc. They want you to repair the damage you've done to the relationship. You might say: "I want to make amends." You might ask: "How can I make it right?" If this is the primary language of the person you're dealing with, they'll be expecting to hear that you still care about the relationship, because your actions have cast doubt on that. Your actions have caused damage to the relationship that now needs to be repaired.
4. Repentance / planned change
The name in the quiz on the official website is "planned change," but in the mindbodygreen article it's called "genuinely repenting" and in Jennifer Thomas's apology cheat sheet it's called "repentance." Any current or former Catholics listening will know that "to repent" means to turn away from sin. When you go to confession, the intent is not just to tell the priest what you've done, it's to repent, that is, to state an intention not to sin again. The name "planned change" comes in because when you are genuinely repenting, you have a sincere intention to change, and it's very helpful to have a plan for how you are going to enact that change and to communicate it to the person that you've wronged. If this is the primary apology language of the person you're dealing with, they will expect you to engage in problem-solving. They don't want to hear excuses. Just make a specific plan for change and share it with them. Say, "I’m going to change and here is how I will do it…” People who are expecting this apology language will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it doesn't include a statement of the desire to modify behavior to avoid a repeat of the wrongdoing in the future. With this apology language, you have to verbalize this plan for change to the person you've wronged. Even if you have an internal intention to change, they can't read your mind. They'll still feel hurt without this intention--and plan--being stated. The plan is important because it shows that you've given it thought and aren't just throwing out empty words.
5. Requesting forgiveness
This is exactly what it says on the tin. Some people don't want you to assume that things will be fine between the two of you, that they will automatically forgive you. They want you to ask for forgiveness. This shows that you recognize the need for them to forgive you. It shows that you realize you've wronged that person and that it's up to them whether they can get past it. With this apology language, you can ask, 'Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?'' And be patient. The person you're asking may need time. For some people, this is really hard to do because asking for forgiveness includes an implicit admission of wrongdoing. So much like with accepting responsibility, the ego can get in the way.
I think everyone has one foundation-level apology language (or for some, maybe two) that must be present, and then they sometimes appreciate or want or even need other apology languages to be present, but those won't be sufficient if the #1 foundational apology language is not present. So, how do you figure out what your foundational apology language is? If the resources that I've linked in the show notes are not sufficient, one of the creators of this framework, Jennifer Thomas, had some helpful questions for figuring out which apology languages are your preferred ones. And I think these questions are especially helpful when you're in a situation where you need more than just your usual foundational apology language. But they could also be useful for just figuring out what that baseline, core need is in an apology.
Here are the three questions:
1. What do I expect the person to do or say? Ask yourself, What do I expect the person to say or do that would make it possible for me to genuinely forgive them? In a given situation, you may find that your answer will involve several apology languages, but there's probably one or two that feel like the most important.
2. What hurts most deeply about this situation? This question is especially helpful if the person has not yet apologized to you or they have apologized, but the apology feels unsatisfactory. This might mean that one of the elements that you need in their apology was not present.
3. When I apologize to others, which of the five languages do I think is most important? Maybe two languages seem to be equally important. It's definitely possible for the way you default to apologizing to others to be different from what you expect when someone apologizes to you, but I think there's generally some overlap, and so this can be a good clue to figure out what the most important apology languages are for you.
Now, back to my quiz results. My #1 foundational apology language is repentance or planned change. I may also appreciate someone expressing regret or accepting responsibility, and there may be circumstances where I also need them to make restitution, but at the end of the day, what I need at my core is just for them to not do it again. I need the other person to care enough about me and our relationship to change their hurtful behavior. And I want to hear a plan for that change.
Just like with love languages, you may have to explain to the other person what your apology language is. You may have to tell them that they need to make restitution, because their preference is different, and people tend to assume that their preferences are shared by others by default, unless told otherwise.
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas when they surveyed people certainly found that the evidence for sincerity differs from person to person. Which is what they expected, since some victims are satisfied by a pay-off in a court case and others just want face-to-face words. And often, people hear a public apology and then disagree with others about the sincerity of the apologizer. When they surveyed people, none of the five languages got more than 40 percent of respondents saying that’s what they were looking for. So like I said, this means that you can’t just guess what someone else is looking for in an apology from you.
I found an article on Jennifer Thomas's website that had some ways to explain to another person what you're expecting out of their apology without explaining the whole apology languages framework to them.
For expressing regret, you could say: "Thank you for what you’ve offered me by way of an apology. It would help me even more if I could hear more about how my feelings were hurt, how much worry, trouble, and inconvenience I experienced." She also mentioned that you could ask them to express how they would have felt if they were in your shoes, but I think that one's a bit iffy because not everyone is bothered by the same things, and you might get into a bit of a mess trying to use that.
For accepting responsibility, you could say: "Thank you for what you’ve offered me by way of an apology. It would help me even more if I could hear more about the details of what mistakes you made, where you went astray, and how you were responsible for the problem."
For making restitution, you can say: "Words are a good start. Now, I’d like to see what time, money, or effort you are willing to expend to show your sincerity. I’ve still got this mess on my hands. When can you take the lead on clearing this up? I’m really hurt by what you’ve done and it makes me question how much you care about me."
For repentance or planned change, you can say: "Going forward, I don’t want to end up in this uncomfortable spot with you again. What can you change to prevent this from happening next time? Do you need to set a reminder for yourself? Get counseling? Go to rehab? Double-check your numbers? This is not just about being more careful. I’d like to hear how you are going to be more successful (for your sake and mine) next time."
For requesting forgiveness, you can say: "I’ve heard your words and I thank you for them. When I was growing up, I was taught that sincere apologies end by asking the other person for forgiveness. If you feel ready to ask it, that question would mean so much to me."
So, obviously, you don't have to use these exact words, and some of these scripts sound a little bit stilted, but I do think that they convey the general needs for each apology language. And as someone who has repentance / planned change as my #1 foundational apology language, I think that the script for that particular apology language hits it right on the mark. I have literally said to people, "What are you going to do to prevent this from happening next time?" In some cases where the relationship was really not in a good spot, when they have said that they wouldn't do it again, I've said, "I don't believe you."
So, those are just some ideas for how you can indicate to the other person that there's a need that you have that they have not addressed in their apology.
And I should note that just as someone may have a love language that they prefer to receive that's different from the one that they usually express to others, just because someone has a preferred apology language to receive doesn't mean they're good at expressing that same apology language to others. For example, a person may expect others to accept responsibility when they apologize, but be completely incapable of doing so in their apologies to others.
I don't have yet have a good theory for why people have different needs when it comes to apologies. I don't know if it's based more on inherent personality traits—nature—or life experiences—nurture. I don't know if I came out of the womb with a strong need for repentance/planned change when people apologize to me. I don't know how long this has been my strongest need when it comes to apologies. I know it's been that way at least since 2020 when I first came across this concept. But it is true that have had many experiences in my life where someone said "I'm sorry" or even admitted fault in a situation, but then they just continued to repeat that hurtful action. And so I think, at this point, for me, someone saying "I'm sorry" can be nice, but it's not what I need. I need them to promise to change and explain to me how they'll do it.
However, there are circumstances where I might also need another apology language to be expressed in addition to that one. Upon reflection, there was a situation where I needed the other person to request forgiveness. And in my results, that was a 0% need, this really isn't something I want or need generally. But there was a situation where it was kind of the "last straw." This person had been really disrespectful, and this was the latest in a long string of similarly hurtful actions, and my tolerance for their lack of change over time was wearing very thin. And then this person tossed off a weak apology over text, which included excuses for their hurtful actions, and an attitude like I shouldn't think it was that big of a deal, and then they just made a comment about how they hoped I was having an okay day and told me what they were up to. And that was the last straw for me. Our relationship did not continue after that. And I think the relationship still would've ended, but it might've ended with a better taste in my mouth, or it might've even continued for a bit longer, if they had indicated to me that they understood the severity of what they'd done. It wasn't that individual action really, but the fact that it was just the latest in a long chain of actions that violated a stated boundary. If they hadn't just assumed that it wasn't a big deal, and I'd forgive them so easily... If they had said, "I know I messed up, I really hope you can forgive me," it actually would've made an impact. Of course, they would've had to include a plan for change—my foundational apology language—and that was something that rarely made an appearance in their apologies unless I demanded it. And this person often dismissed my need for an apology at all if they didn't feel I should be upset about a particular thing. But, that's an example of where, if I had wanted to continue my relationship with this person, they would've also had to ask for my forgiveness. If a person just assumes that everything is fine before I've had a chance to respond, this might be an additional need for me.
However, in situations where that's not something that I need out of an apology, it often makes me feel weird. This actually happened recently. The person zeroed in on aspects of a situation that I wasn't really that upset about and missed the thing that was really bothering me, even though I felt I'd been pretty clear. And then they said multiple times some variation of "I hope you can forgive me." And my reaction was, 'Why are they saying that? I just want them to not do the thing again, and I even stated that explicitly.' I also think that part of it is that I don't really fully forgive someone until I see that they have changed. It's like I give them credit toward forgiveness, and if they change, it's all good. But if they don't...now they're in debt.
I think the reason saying sorry and expressing regret isn't something I need or even want normally is because often that means I have to soothe that person's emotions, when I already have to deal with my own. I have to reassure them that the friendship isn't over, that it's something I can get past, when they should be reassuring me that they're going to change.
I think the reason that it often takes me time to speak up to someone when they've hurt me—in situations where they're unaware—is because I want to be clear on what I want from them, especially in terms of change. And I want to be able to explain the underlying principle of why what they did was hurtful, to also cut off any other future hurtful actions before they can start. For example, one common principle behind actions that deeply upset me is if I feel like the person forgot about me. If someone reaches out about making plans within a particular timeframe and then never responds when I tell them my availability, that really hurts. If I have plans with someone at a specific time and then they stand me up, that is, they just don't show up, no explanation that they're going to be late or that they have to cancel, that really hurts. I feel like I've been forgotten.
I do think that trust has a big impact on apology needs. My general sense is that my husband's #1 apology language is accepting responsibility. He does not want to hear excuses, he does not want to hear justifications, he just wants to hear you say you screwed up, period. I haven't asked him to take the quiz, but that's the sense I get. He might also have a strong preference for genuine repentance/planned change, but I think accepting responsibility is definitely core. However, there was a time in our relationship where I had screwed up so colossally, that trust was completely eroded. And although he didn't use the word restitution, it was clear that I needed to repair the damage that I'd done to the relationship. And perhaps trust—or rather, broken trust—is the reason I developed my preference for repentance/planned change. That I had trusted people in the past when they said they wouldn't hurt me in the same way again, and then they did. So I no longer trust that someone saying they're sorry means that they won't repeat the action, and I no longer trust someone just saying they won't do it again, because I've been burned too many times. I at least need a stated plan. That still doesn't guarantee the plan will be carried out, but it's the best reassurance I'm going to get.
I will say that someone can countersignal to me and eliminate the need for a stated plan for change. If someone has done enough to make me trust them generally, then one instance of them doing a thing will not necessarily trigger my need for the stated plan for change. It's very easy for me to give them that credit and believe that they are sincere about changing, that it was just a blip. Now, if it does happen again, then I'm gonna need that plan for change. But that countersignaling, that built foundation of trust, has to be pretty strong for my desire to hear a plan for change to not be triggered.
Sometimes you reach an impasse after a wrongdoing, and that's the end of a relationship. if you genuinely don't think what you did was wrong and you have no intention of changing your behavior, I don't think you should give a fake apology. Just be honest, and let the other person decide if they can accept that.
And I also don't think you should apologize for who you are. You especially shouldn't apologize for your emotional needs or promise to change them.
And if you explain to another person how you feel about their actions, if you explain how they hurt you, and they don't apologize...if you have to explain to them that an apology is warranted, at that point, it's fruitless. The apology won't land even if they speak your apology language, because the apology had to be demanded and forced. If that happens often with someone, that you have to demand apologies from them, I would see that as a major red flag that the relationship is in trouble. That there is a major incompatibility present. Because if you're compatible, when you tell the other person you're feeling hurt by one of their actions, they'll want to address it. Even if they don't think that it's a universally hurtful action, they'll want to talk with you about what happened and figure out how to address it. You won't have to explain that to them. Sometimes people won't be aware that their action is hurtful, and you have to bring it up, but once you do, you shouldn't have to demand that they address it. If they just brush it aside and tell you that it wasn't a big deal, to lighten up, to get over it, etc., that's a red flag.
But sometimes, even though you strongly disagree about the wrongness of a particular action, you can still move forward. That could mean that the person who committed the wrongdoing says, "Hey, I don't think this is an inherently wrong thing to do. I'm not going to say 'I was wrong.' But it obviously bothers you, so I'm going to do my best not to do it again." For someone whose apology language is accepting responsibility, this may be difficult to swallow, but if you're committed to the relationship, it may be necessary to accept.
Another alternative—especially if the person is just not capable of apologizing the way you need, at least for a specific situation—is to eliminate the circumstances in the future so that they won't have anything to apologize for.
There was a friend I was sending voice messages to at one point, and I was opening up about myself and being vulnerable, and they responded in a completely unhelpful and actively hurtful way. But they didn't really get what was wrong with the way they had responded, no matter how many different ways I tried to explain it. Because I valued many other aspects of our friendship, I decided that this method of communication and opening up in this way was off the table going forward. I decided to eliminate any similar situations in the future where they might hurt me and where I would have to demand an apology, one that would ultimately be unsatisfactory.
There's so much more to say about apologies, and about conflict resolution in general, but I wanted to stay pretty focused on the apology languages concept in this episode, and leave room to discuss the general topic further in the future. As I mentioned, I'll be linking some resources in the show notes, so be sure to check those out and take the quiz, if you're curious to see your results.
So, those are the thoughts that I have for you this month that I thought would be best transmitted in audio format. I hope I've given you another helpful way of looking at the world. As always, feel free to leave a comment if you're comfortable posting publicly. If you prefer to comment privately, feel free to e-mail me. I hope you have a good day whenever you're listening to this, and bye for now.
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